New Short Story: The King’s Mind

(Note: I’m not sure what to make of this story. Any constructive criticism is much appreciated.)

The King’s Mind

Once upon a time, in the land of Maniatania, there was a wise and benevolent king named Trelos. Good King Trelos was loved by all his subjects, and renowned for his wisdom, kindness, and mercy.

King Trelos’ life was above reproach, and he was so respected that his subjects patterned their lives after his. Whatever he ate, whatever he wore, whatever he did, everyone imitated, hoping that by doing so they would also receive a portion of the blessings bestowed on their king.

One day Trelos showed up in court with no garments on his nether parts. All the members of the court shed their nether garments without question, for there had to be a sensible reason for the public display of the private parts. The commoners, in imitation of their betters, followed their example. As it was against protocol, no one dared ask Trelos WHY the royal jewels were suddenly open for public inspection. Life continued on as usual.

The reason for the uncovering of the nether parts soon became apparent when Trelos took to masturbating incessantly, no matter the occasion. He yanked the royal frank wherever he went: Weddings, funerals, royal parades, state dinners, it made no difference. The royal courtiers and courtesans offered to perform this service for him, but he shooed them away, so that none should touch the sacred scepter.

Heretofore, self-gratification was only practiced in private, and considered to make one weak and feeble minded, or to suffer hairy palms and all sorts of debilitating effects. After Trelos’ broke this taboo, it was thought to bestow untold health benefits and wisdom upon the practitioner. Books were written extolling the virtues of wise King Trelos’ discovery, and secret societies arose to share his “secrets”. Liberal use was made of bread, fruits, vegetables, and anything that didn’t cause too much bodily harm.

Next, the benevolent monarch lost control of his bowels. This caused much head scratching as to what the benefit of this was. After much conferring, it was decided that holding in bowel movements caused harm and undue strain to the system, allowing poisons to circulate instead of being evacuated. Therefore, bowels were to be emptied whenever and wherever the urge to do so came. Public enemas became all the rage. All the upper class people practiced this, and swore that they never felt healthier or more vigorous. The commoners swore that they’d never been more disgusted.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, great King Trelos started throwing his feces at everyone, and growling like a bear. According to the experts, this was a way to bring deep inner feelings and hurts to the fore, so they could be dealt with. A new sport was born among the “in” set of the day, with shit fights held in every castle, manor, and chateau. These places were visited by the common people only when absolutely necessary, as they’d already taken enough shit from the upper classes.

King Trelos’ final act was to throw himself off the highest battement of the castle. Out of respect, for their late, beloved leader, the nobles and courtiers only threw themselves off the lower battlements. This was much to the enjoyment of the common people, who made a day of it, assigning numerical value to the degree of difficulty of each dive.

Their amusement was tempered by the realization that come tomorrow, there would be one heck of a mess to clean up.


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